What Price, Truth?

My family's present financial situation is bleak, to say the least - as I'm sure so many are today. With two kids and extremely limited income, we've been playing eenie-meeny-miney-moe with our bills for way longer than I'm comfortable with, and things are going to catch up to us pretty quickly.

And as I have yet to find anyone who will compensate me on a monthly basis for simply being so damn awesome, I've been in dire need of a paying job for some time now. Unfortunately, opportunities have been less than prolific, even with my blasting a resume from here to Timbuktu and back. So I decided it was time to take a different approach, and began Googling psychologists' offices which deal mostly in adolescents (my target demographic once I'm through school & licensed). I sucked up my courage - and my pride - and started cold-calling them in hopes of finding an open position somewhere for which I would qualify. Lo and behold, the very first one on the list just happened to have a clerical position open! Thrilled, I submitted my resume and waited (not so) patiently for a phone call, then arranged an interview and began my research of the firm and its members.

Please understand, I was so excited. Like, happy-dance-around-the-living-room excited. (Which is no easy feat for a semi-crippled voluptuous goddess, I assure you!) Not only was I going to interview for a position I knew I could do with both arms tied behind my back, but it would also provide a great observation opportunity relevant to my studies and future career. Sadly my excitement was not to last however, once I began to dig into the backgrounds of - and services offered by - the therapists at this location.

First, I noticed all the religious affiliations held and lauded by many of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors in this practice. Okay, no biggie. I'm cool with all religions, as long as they are cool with me. Drilling down a bit, I realized they were all with the more 'fundamentalist' types of Christian churches and groups, which worried me. But in the spirit of being non-judgmental (and a touch desperate), I decided I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

After all, this could be one of those awesome instances where the Universe places me in a specific environment in order to educate others about the LGBT community and the common misconceptions associated with it, right? I mean, it's happened before and been totally worth it. But then I got down to one specific counselor's bio that stopped me cold.

See, each bio listed that specific therapist's specialties, such as family & marriage counseling, ADHD, etc. On this counselor's page, however, was a specialty that literally turned my stomach. Right there in the middle of the paragraph were words I have fought against time and again. Words that have led to the death of too many young people, and the hatred of an entire culture:

"unwanted same-sex attraction"

Further research showed the links on their website connected to other anti-gay pages and sentiments. I felt numb. Sick. Here was a place that was finally interested in hiring me to do a job I'm damn good at, in a field I'm devoting my life to, with a salary that would ease so many of our troubles.

And they encouraged and openly practiced reparative therapy. 

You would think my decision would have been simple, swift and final at that point, given my beliefs and dedicated activism. But it wasn't - not by a long shot. Old demons that I had long considered exorcised rose up from the depths to torment me once more... 

This will feed your children, they said. 

Are you really going to let your 'lifestyle choice' keep you from providing for your family, they sneered. 

What kind of mother are you, that you'd put yourself and your own comfort level above your children's needs...

Selfish, sinful woman...God is testing you, and you're failing...You don't deserve those kids - you won't even take care of them when a way is practically handed to you...All because you want to be gay and pretend it's a valid lifestyle...For shame...shame...

On and on it went. My interview was scheduled for the next morning; and all night, this long-forgotten, internalized homophobia turned me inside out. I did not sleep. I did not rest. I could not get rid of the litany of judgment playing in my head, nor could I escape the guilt that was threatening to consume me. 

Finally, around 6am, I decided I would just call and leave a message for the woman with whom I scheduled the interview, informing her I had a few important questions to ask before I came in. Somehow I was hoping she could explain it away, even as I knew there was no other explanation for what I had seen. But as my one of my favorite authors (Laurell K. Hamilton) famously writes, "Sometimes hope is a lying bitch."

Yet leaving that voice mail gave me a modicum of courage...enough to hang on to that I began to fight back those demons - timidly at first, then with more and more strength as I remembered.

I remembered the reason I had come out for the second time at the late age of 30, with two small children in tow and a life in shambles. Why I risked rejection on all sides and the certainty of breaking my parents' hearts. I remembered why I was willing to destroy so much to live an out, open, authentic life:

My children.

I could not expect them to be honest with me and themselves as they grew into adults, if I were not willing to do the same for them. And once I took that brave move, facing my detractors head-on, I was motivated to help others on their similar journeys - to help them fight back their own demons. To walk with their heads held high in the midst of a suppressive culture. To not be afraid to stand up for what is right - even if it means sacrifice along the way, because it always does.

What would I tell my children later on in life if I took this job and pretended to be something I'm not? How could I expect them to stand up for what they believe, when I was giving in and allowing myself to be stifled and struck silent for the sake of the Almighty Dollar? And my future patients...what was I to tell them when they came to me for guidance, faced with the same type of dilemma? Give in? Give up? Realize we cannot win, and accept not only being openly treated as less-than, but submitting to it willingly?

Hell no.

The moment I thought those words, my stomach did another little jump - this time out of pride, not fear. This time because I felt the full weight of the emotion washing over me...crashing over me in waves of gratitude. How close I had come to betraying my own truth; to surrendering all the values and morals I have worked so hard to teach my children and show them by example.

Hand shaking, I picked up my phone and dialed that number one more time. It all happened so fast, but here's the gist of that voice mail (and yes, I had a cheat sheet for the orgs):

"Hello, Ms. 'X'. This is Jeni again. I left you a voice mail earlier, but have not yet heard back from you. To be completely honest, after doing further research on your practice, I have come to the conclusion that this position would not be a good match for me. You see, at least one of your counselors lists reparative therapy under her special services - treating 'unwanted same-sex attraction'? And I have to say, seeing that in a licensed, secular, for-profit psychiatric office is disturbing, to say the least - especially when it's common knowledge and public record that the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Counseling Association, American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, American Psychoanalytic Association, American Psychological Association, American School Counselor Association, National Association of Social Workers, and the Pan American Health Organization have all deemed this so-called conversion therapy not only completely ineffective, but incredibly harmful to the mental health of the patient. And as an out, proud, gay woman, I just cannot bring myself to take blood money from a practice that so willfully ignores every single authoritative entity in its field, to the detriment of its patients. I will not be attending the interview this morning. You just have a great day, now."

I hung up the phone, still shaking from the adrenaline. What did I just do? Did I seriously just tell off the one place that has called me back from my umpteen resume submissions and with which I essentially had a job in the bag?

I sure the hell did. And I'd do it again. 

How about you? 

Enough

So yesterday was kind of a tough day for me, as you can tell by 1) the content of yesterday's blog, and 2) the fact that I'm actually blogging two days in a row. 

Due to my mood and general state of fed-up-ness, I decided I would make a concerted effort today to avoid all 'those kind' of articles/blogs/websites/facebook posts. And thankfully today was hella busy, so it was pretty easy. But alas...on a night when I should be absolutely worn out, I find myself (yet again) horribly awake and alert.

I tried to read my new Esquire magazine. I tried to lay on the couch and watch TV, through about five different positions and 20 channels. I tried working on the six-string lanyard I want to make for my vape pouch. I tried just writing an entry in my personal journal, playing Chuzzle on my phone (OMG. So addicted.), and surfing facebook.

It was this last one that delivered me into temptation. In case there are more of you out there trying to avoid getting lost in online story/search tangents, do not open your facebook. It's the gateway drug of the interwebz, I tell you. The ganja of Google. A bong full of Bing. 

Just close down your laptop and move away, because you will be sucked into the vortex of endless, time-devouring cyber-digging. Don't say I didn't warn you.

As I should have guessed would happen, all it took was one story to get my activist juices flowing, and I was ready to open five hundred windows and start diving in.

But then a strange thing happened...when I opened up a new window in Safari, I actually stopped for a minute and looked at my default homepage. Now I don't know about you, but since I open new windows so much and am usually focused on a certain topic I need to research or look for, I rarely even glance at the default page that pops up. 

And that's kind of sad, because that page for me is LGBTQ Nation, one of the leading collective sources of nationwide LGBT news and other goings-on. But the sight of it had become so commonplace, I was just blowing right past it. 

Tonight, I didn't. 

I watched as the top stories scrolled by with their lead-ins and colorful photos. I read the teasers listed down the right side of the page, offering up the "Views & Voices" of our community regarding current events. I skimmed over the attention-grabbing titles of the stories filling up the rest of the page. Then I started clicking. 

Part of me wishes desperately I hadn't, because until then I really thought I'd been digging deep into the latest happenings - visiting all my regular pages to debunk and educate the ignorant and/or ill-informed. But I realized that by doing that, I was actually avoiding all the special-interest stories (man, I'm using a lot of hyphen-related words today!); personal, anecdotal accounts of what's going down on the front lines; and most of all - the pain, confusion, shame, and fear that is still plaguing our community every day.

See...I got caught up like everyone else in the joy and celebration of the Supreme Court decisions, and momentarily forgot that it made absolutely no difference at all to many people in our country. Certainly it didn't mean much for those in other countries, either. And for some law-abiding citizens, it only made things worse, calling attention to their orientation or gender-identity, and making them a scapegoat for all the different forms of hatred dreamed up by our detractors. 

All those feelings I thought I had put safely away began to bubble to the top. Those poison arrows were flying fast and fierce, and all I could do was sit and take it. Then I realized that there are most likely people out there that don't ever even come across these types of stories or read these kinds of articles.                   

I want you guys to kind of see what I see on a daily basis - both to help you understand why I do what I do, and maybe even fire up a little activist juice in you, too!

And yes, I realize I'm now playing the part of the gateway...the one leading you down the rabbit hole of cyberspace, chasing tangents exactly like I cautioned you against. But let's face it - between you and me, you weren't going to listen anyway, were you? 

Didn't think so.

*****

(The top link in the first five categories below is the LGBTQ Nation story; and the second, an outside article regarding the same information.)

Louisiana:
LA GOP councilman proposes flag law after veteran complains of pride flag

Louisiana Republican to introduce bill to ban LGBT rainbow flag from public buildings


Chita, Zabaykalsky Krai, Russia:
Lawmaker who wants gays flogged says Russian public needs protection

Putin: Law restricting gay rights in Russia is about "protecting children"


Durham, North Carolina:
Prosecuters: cult leader killed 4-year-old-stepson because he thought he was gay

Cult leader Peter Moses jailed for killing wife and 4 yr-old he accused of 'being gay'


Penalolen, Chile:
Chilean teen loses foot, faces leg amputation following anti-gay attack

Esteban Navarro, Gay Chilean Teen, Will Have Leg Amputated After Alleged Hate Crime


Indianapolis, Indiana:
Gay couples: Applying for a marriage license in Ind. could land you in jail

Prison Awaits Same-Sex Couples Who Try to Get Married in Indiana


Harare, Zimbabwe:
Zimbabwe president says gays, lesbians who do not conceive should be jailed

Conceive or face jail, Mugabe tells gays


Sarver, Pennsylvania:
Police, FBI investigate swastika burned in yard of PA family with lesbian daughter





USA, Nationwide:
American Decency Association: Gays are 'disgusting, unnatural'

American Decency Association: DOMA Decision Just Like Pearl Harbor

'Ex-gay' activist: President Obama, Justices Kennedy, Kagan are secretly gay

Barton: Gays will 'enlist in the military just so they can have gay marriages'

Barton: DOMA Ruling Will Force Chaplains to Perform Gay Weddings...

Gallagher: Supreme Court DOMA Decision a 'Declaration of War'...

Keyes: Case for Gay Marriage Same as the Case for Slavery
     (original article by Keyes here)

Pulled Back From Suicide, a Gay Grandmother Asks How to Treat Those Who Shun Her

Catholic Cardinal calls gay US ambassador nominee a "faggot"

Middle school student branded with 'fag' slur on back of his neck by bullies


Pat Robertson (yes, he deserves his own category):
Pat Robertson says he vomits at the sight of gay couples

Gays will 'destroy' Boy Scouts to 'accommodate kids who want sex with each other'

Gays can change just like murderers and rapists

Cites Levitical Death Penalty for Gays, Warns the Land Will 'Vomit You Out'

*****

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

These articles are the type of thing I read daily, following the links to another page...and another...and another, leaving trails of comments and encouragement and education in my wake as often as possible.

Each of these pieces somehow sprung from the LGBTQ Nation website, and it's honestly a little disturbing how quickly I could find and link all these stories for you to see. I want you all to get a taste of why I get so frustrated and downright angry at times - it's hard to face this much hate and misinformation every single day.

Like I said in yesterday's post, I have no intention of giving up, now or in the future. 

And I am feeling better, thank you for asking.

But this isn't the way I want to leave the world for my children. I cannot settle for 'good enough' on this issue. I will not. All this hate and second-class citizenry...all these horrible people with their small minds and their steadfast refusal to believe anything that didn't come out of the mouth of God, himself... It's almost too much. 

Enough is enough.

And I say - it's more than enough.

On my off days...

I spend an inordinate amount of time studying and researching both the history of and current events related to the LGBT movement (in case you hadn't noticed). I pour over documents and articles. I visit websites that spew new and improved ridiculous justifications for their own internalized fears. I read about all the people out there in the world who know nothing about me, but still feel they are qualified to sit in judgment of my life - not to mention my afterlife.

As a side effect, I spend more time than I probably should arguing on these websites and in these forums against those who delight in their hatred of me...so certain are they in their self-righteous anger, that they're simply positive somewhere in heaven God is pulling out His sheet of metallic star stickers and headed their way. 

And most of the time it just rolls right off me, drowned out by the hope I cling to that maybe - just maybe - what I write to these ignorant, repugnant masses in rebuttal will actually be found and read by that one person to whom I'm really writing...that questioning, confused, scared individual who needs to see and hear my words of love and affirmation among all the ugly more than anything at that moment. 

So like I said, most of the time, it just rolls right off me...

Most of the time...it just...

But today is not one of those days. 

Today I am not reveling in my thick skin and acerbic wit as I traverse the pages of those who would wish me ill. Today I am not able to simply smirk my way through another news story connected to Focus on the Family, Fox News, Family Research Council, elected officials pandering to their 'sponsors' - or even uninformed, presumptively concerned parents. 

Because today is one of those rare times for me when it all becomes too much...

...the articles and anecdotes flying at me like poison tipped arrows; the fraudulent and outdated studies lauded and cited by the conservative masses, choking out the truth with their smoke screens; the unnecessary and undeserved hatred poured out the world over...

All this, coalescing into one thick, acrid cloud above my head...its oily black billows threatening to let loose the torrential twins of shame and doubt - the very mixture that nearly claimed my life once before. 

And I am appalled to find myself frightened. Not by these ignorant people themselves, nor the organizations they form, but of their relentlessness in this war (and make no mistake, that's what we are fighting here). Their tenacity and complete disregard for the truth or anything approaching it is astonishing, and it tells me that they will stop at nothing to get what they want. Nothing. 

Right or wrong, this kind of approach inspires fear, especially when their opposition (us) is a movement based entirely on respect, love, and tolerance. We will not sacrifice the lives or reputations of those we hold dear. We will not sell out to the highest bidder. We will not deliberately falsify information or use studies, statistics, or witnesses that are less than credible. 

How, then, are we to stand in the face of their foul winds? Face their arrows and choking clouds of bullshit? How can we successfully defend ourselves when we are unwilling to sink to their level? Can we seriously just sit back and cross our fingers, hoping that this will all end like some Lifetime movie, with all the ends neatly tied up and the bad guys vanquished?

These are the things that are circling in my head. These are the questions that bounce off my brain and monopolize my attention and my energy on days like this, taking my thoughts hostage and leading me down the darkest of dangerous alleys.

For those of us who fight this fight in some capacity on a regular basis, the unrelenting attacks and constant resurfacing of false, disproved, and outdated information can be a real beat-down. We get despondent, and burned out. Everywhere we turn, it seems like there's another person or group fighting against us, lying about who we are and what we're about. 

And often (at least in my case) this feeling of overwhelming persecution just serves to highlight those discordant situations of a more personal nature, with family, religious institutions, friends, and other loved ones. I mean, it's bad enough to have a significant portion of the world against a very integral part of what makes us who we are, but it's even worse to have that kind of judgment and persecution come from those we love and respect. This very personal kind of pain, added to the despondency I'm already trying to fight my way out of, is what truly pushes me over the edge. 

Every. Single. Time.

So what to do about the whole mess? 
First and foremost, we must never give up. We are not beaten until we forswear our cause, lay down our arguments, and surrender to the enemy. I don't know about you, but even on my worst days (like today), that is never an option. I will go to my grave fighting this fight, and I'll be damned if they win just by default.

Secondly, we have to learn to love ourselves. I know that sounds corny, but stay with me here - those situations with our loved ones or close co-workers or anyone else who matters to you may not ever get resolved. Yep - you read that right - the issues may never be resolved. So somehow, by whatever means we must, we have to let go of our attachment to the dream that everything is going to be all flowers and meadows and little rainbow bunnies all the time...that's just not real life. 

These anti-gay groups may never see the light, no matter how many times we shine it on them. My parents may never clear the hurdle of my sexuality, and learn to love me and my partner as unconditionally as they do their grandchildren and each other. Your sister or brother or cousin or uncle may never speak to you again, instead only sending those periodic emails reminding you that they and their Sunday School class are praying for your repentance and salvation.

I must remember I do not fight for them. I do not even really fight for me as an individual. 

I fight for those too scared or too beat-down to speak up for themselves. I fight for every child and teenager out there who knows there's something 'different' about them, and is just starting to realize what that is. I fight for the future world that my children will have to inhabit as adults. And I fight for my own little nuclear family - my partner, my children, and myself - that we be treated as equal citizens under the law, and given all the rights and privileges deserved as such.

So on these bad days, when I feel like I'm circling the drain and ready to throw in the towel, I have to remember what this fight is all about - not my own personal gratification or recognition, but for those who will come after, and those trying to get the guts to live as their authentic selves right now.

We cannot live our lives - I cannot live my life - attached to gaining everyone's acceptance and love. What matters most is that my children love me, my partner loves me, and I have an amazing little circle of friends that adore all of us. And if I can just remember to remind myself of this on a daily basis, these 'off days' are sure to get fewer and further between. 

I'm feeling better already.

And herein lies the difference...

I'm not sure if you've heard about this yet, but there's a very...interesting children's book that was just released. It's entitled, God Made Dad and Mom, and if it sounds like it's a kids' book with a nasty hidden agenda, that's because it is.

Author Amber Dee Parker and her teenage illustrator, Hannah Sequra, have put together this horrid collaboration targeting the youngest of generations as a way to keep the misinformation train a'chugging and the discriminatory, judgmental, heterosexist, elitist mindset firmly in place.

God Made Dad and Mom centers (loosely) on a young boy named Michael, a trip to some special kind of zoo where all the animals are heterosexual and mate for life, and Michael's family praying for his poor friend Jimmy who has two dads. Oh, and there's some stuff about "God's plan for a family" in there, which as we all know has been comprised of only one man and only one woman and their biological offspring since the beginning of time. I mean, it's not like we have some ancient book detailing how marriage has evolved over the centu- Oh wait. We do. And it's the same book this author is using to justify her viewpoints on the family...huh. Weird.

Oh, I forgot a major plot point! Okay, so it doesn't really have a cohesive plot. But the book ends with Michael asking if he's adopted, and his parents admitting that he was. Seriously, folks. I could not make this shite up.

Essentially, this is a book encouraging children to discriminate against same-sex couples. Even worse - to treat the children of these couples as something to be pitied, and to pray for the breakup/divorce of their 'pretend family' so everyone can run off and go be part of what someone besides God has deemed is God's plan.

Listen, everyone has an absolute right to their own beliefs. And they further have the right to educate and/or indoctrinate their own children. But this filth? This is taking it way too far. It is openly discriminatory, openly elitist (heterosexual families are the only real families - aren't you glad we aren't those poor gay people?), and openly condescending.

And right there, we have the difference between the gay rights movement and the fundamentalists who oppose them. But before we get more in-depth with that, I want to share another lovely children's book with you. This one is entitled, Chased by an Elephant, and is now available at Walmart stores for public consumption by your child - which really doesn't surprise me, given Walmart's recently rabidly anti-gay politics, led by the nose by the uber-right-wing American Family Association.

In Chased by an Elephant, author Janis Barrett Graham attempts to slay the dragon of teen sexuality - especially teen homosexuality. The book details how you can utilize "counseling, truth, and accepting Jesus" to overcome the Demon of Gayness.

Now, this is the same woman who is married to the president of Standard of Liberty (an LDS-headed anti-gay group), which could explain her making comments like these:

"The number of our young people involved in sexual sins has greatly increased in recent years. Some of the most stalwart-seeming youth find themselves involved in pornography, fornication, promiscuity, homosexuality, and the like."

Um, anyone remember the 20's? The 60's? No? Well then how about this little gem regarding LGBT teen suicides:

"Could it be that there are hidden factors at work that contribute to gay youth suicides? How about encouragement to adopt a popularized but unnatural sexual label? How about addiction to soul-killing same-sex pornography? How about being introduced by adults to behaviors too heinous to mention in polite society? How about being told they are forever homosexual and thinking they will never have a normal family life?”

Yes...yeeeeeees...come to the dark side, Janis. We have cookies...yummy, yummy cookies. But we'll only give them to you if you swear a blood oath to proclaim your unnatural gayness to the world and give your children to Creepy 'Uncle Tickles' Larry.

All joking aside, this is the mess we're up against. This is the mindset we're having to battle day in and day out - that homosexuals are unnatural, homosexuals are child molesters, homosexual families are not 'real' or 'normal' families...it goes on and on. 

But I've got news for Ms. Janis - it is because of people like her and her equally horrid husband who continue to spread scientifically disproved misinformation and promote that reparative therapy works if you just believe enough and have enough faith (read: money) that those babies think the only option they have when they can't fix what wasn't broken in the first place is to take their own lives. You make them out to be something to be fixed when it is you who are broken, madam.

Which leads us to the common denominator in these two tomes, and why it struck me suddenly that this is the one thing the public at large has got to open its eyes and see - there is a fundamental difference...an enormous, important difference...in how each side of this LGBT debate functions.

I don't know about you, but I've never seen a children's book (nor any book) out by LGBT activists on why we should feel sorry for those straighties' kids, and how we need to pray for them to loosen the hell up. Nor have I seen anything from our side catering to children, suggesting that all they need to do is pray really, really hard, and they too can be gay and have all the great parties.

Do you know why that is? Why we never see them? Because they don't exist. Anywhere. 

The members of the LGBT family are not trying to convince straight people they should be gay, and that the power of prayer can change them over; or teaching their children to feel sorry for those kids who only have one dad or one mom, and to pray for them, that their parents will realize they're living outside God's plan and get a divorce.

Because that's not what we're about. All we want is equality - not domination. We don't want to replace the population of the world with only gay couples. There's plenty of room for all of us at the party, people. Nor do we want to change how heterosexual couples live their lives or force them to be gay because we believe it's a better 'lifestyle'. None of us would dream of putting anyone through all that useless, self-esteem stealing trauma! So why is the other side so hell bent on doing just that to us?

Every single member of our community knows the power and the freedom and the beauty of being your authentic self, which may be why things are so different between the two groups. We're all battle-scarred. We've all had to fight against obstacles that the straight community could never even imagine. We've had to deal with coming out to our parents, our spouses, our friends, our kids' friends' parents, teachers, limo drivers, restauranteurs - every single time you meet someone new, you have to gather as much courage as you can and reveal the most intimate, vulnerable thing about you, over and over and over.

So having been through that, it is unimaginable to us to work against allowing people to be their true selves. On the contrary, we want to encourage it - gay, straight, black, white, purple - it doesn't matter. 

We don't need divisive crap like this. We don't need to raise another generation of hatred born in ignorance. There's room for us all at the table of life, and we've already been seated. Now we'll just have a cocktail or two, and wait for the rest of you to come to your senses and join us.

Think for yourself - I'm begging you. Don't just repeat what you heard in church or on television or the radio or whatever talk show. Research, research, research. The majority of those who oppose LGBT rights do not have enough information to make an informed opinion, because they're simply regurgitating what is fed to them. 

Feed yourself. Free yourself.

We'll save you a seat.

JBT

What If?

Every now and then I dip my toes in the poetry well. This was something I wrote tonight as a performance piece for the open mic slam I'm preparing for. I have written poetry for 25 years. As you might imagine, the tone and subject matter has changed a bit throughout this period. However, I tended to only write when I was angry, hurt, depressed, etc. Lately my life has been so wonderful that I haven't written a thing - a blessing, yes, but also tough for me as that's one of my biggest stress releases.

But it hit me all of a sudden this evening that I have the perfect thing to still be angry about, and it fits right in with all the other mediums in which I profess my opinions and support - I'm talking about the fight for LGBT equality, of course. If I can use this new medium as a way to reach others through social media, and especially if given the chance to perform one of my pieces to a public audience at a slam, maybe this will reach a whole different demographic than I'm used to.

So. I decided to go ahead and share what I just wrote with all of you, and get your input on it. Keep in mind, this was written specifically in a performance style, so it does lose something in just reading it. But I thought I'd share it anyway, and see what you all think.

Please leave a comment once you've read this over. (It will really help me out in the future.)

What If?

You look at me

Your eyes chewing on my details

As you prepare to spit out an undigested, undesired opinion

I can see you count them off…

‘1, 2, 3

Same as me’

Minivan

Extra curves

Kid hanging off each arm

Just another

Suburban mother

Nothing to look at

Nothing to bother

Yourself

With.

But…

What if you knew?

What if you could see down to my truth

My insides

My deepest, darkest depths

The things I have done

The bodies I have ravished

The hearts I have left panting

And writhing

In abject agony at my departure?

What if you could open my doors

Expose my skeletons

And come to know them by name?

Then you would see that I am nothing

Like I seem

I am not

Some straight man’s absolution

I am not

Some straight man’s whore

I am not

Some straight man’s plaything

Secret fling

Wedding ring

Because…

I am not

Straight.

See, where other women have

A ‘he’ in their lives

I, instead, have a ‘she’

A ‘she’ that is my love

A ‘she’ that is my life

My wife

My everything

So what if

You knew this truth?

Would I be worth the bother then?

Or would I simply BE a bother

A stark reminder

In your daily life of privilege?

Your rights trump my rights

Then

Your dreams are the only ones that count

Then

Your love is God-breathed and mine is a sin

Then

But wait…

Only moments ago I was part of your crowd

Another mother

Not something other

Now everything is changed

In your head

Yet I’m still a suburban mother

Still just a regular gal

Nothing is different about me

From then ‘til now

Except you

So what if

You made a change

What if

You decided my ‘she’

Instead of a ‘he’

Was irrelevant

To my ‘me’

What would change then

If?

© Jeni Cantrell 2013

I'm Baaaa-ack! And I brought Pat Robertson with me.

Good grief. Uncle Patty is at it again...only this time we've been thrown in the pool with murderers, rapists, and thieves. 

Seriously? 

Let's see here...people who kill others, people who force themselves sexually on others, people who steal from others, and people who are in love and simply want the right to live their lives with the same respect and regard as is given to others. 

Do any of you remember the game on Sesame Street - One of These Things is Not Like the Other? Take a minute and read the above paragraph again, and let me know if you can find the thing that is not like the others. Go ahead. I'll wait...

What's that you say? You're already done? And so quickly, too! Surprising, given that Mr. Robertson seems to think they're all so similar.  

The irony in his little pitch would be hilarious if not for the fact that he means every word. At one point, he even encourages his viewers to stand up for 'freedom' against those who might 'take away their right to free speech'. And all the while, it is he and his cronies who are fighting against freedom for any who think differently than they. Amazing that someone could build such an enormous, multi-million dollar empire and not be intelligent enough to recognize the double standard under which he operates.

Listen, you can think whatever you want about me and my 'kind' on your own time and in your own home. Knock yourself out. But once you put out a public statement like the one put forth by the ESPN contributor whom Pat is referencing, you stand to reap the societal consequences of such hateful and bigoted speech. You want to despise all illegal immigrants? Sit around the dinner table and talk about how the wetbacks are completely screwing up our country and we oughta box 'em all up and ship 'em back? Fine. Go ahead. You absolutely have that right. But you want to go on television or radio and say those things? You're gonna get called out - and rightly so. 

See, the real issue here is that our dear Mr. Robertson and his ilk continue to believe that sexual orientation is 'fixable'. Yes, human sexuality can be and often is fluid (see: Kinsey Scale), but the ever mounting pile of scientific evidence (and the personal statements and stories of untold amounts of LGBT individuals) all point to what we who live this life have known all along...you are who you are. And nothing can change that. In fact, there are numerous studies that have shown how dangerous reparative therapy (a.k.a 'conversion therapy' or 'pray the gay away') actually is. These, of course, are from rather reliable sources - such as a little group known as the American Psychological Association. And then there's this article by Dr. Doug Haldeman, which has the best line I've ever read regarding the reason some LGBT people actually seek out reparative therapy, "Many of these individuals are vulnerable to the idea of repairing in themselves what is actually society's problem: a history of rejection and discrimination based upon socially instituted homophobia." 

Our sexual orientation is no more fixable or changeable than yours, Pat. We were made to be exactly who we are, and our existence is not harmful to any but those who are afraid of what they don't understand. You claim that the 'power of God' can change anything, and that may well be true. But the point to remember here is that in this instance, there is nothing that needs to be changed, so your argument is invalid.

It will only be when people such as this man either fall away naturally, open up and allow themselves be educated, or care enough to search out the answers on their own that the hate speech will stop. Because make no mistake - that's exactly what it is...language full of fear and judgement and hatred and assumption. But we will win out in the end, because our weapons in this fight are love and community and steadfast compassion; and when we open up the floodgates to let that light up our way, there is no hate that can stand against it for long. 

So get out there, be brave, and shine.