Enough

So yesterday was kind of a tough day for me, as you can tell by 1) the content of yesterday's blog, and 2) the fact that I'm actually blogging two days in a row. 

Due to my mood and general state of fed-up-ness, I decided I would make a concerted effort today to avoid all 'those kind' of articles/blogs/websites/facebook posts. And thankfully today was hella busy, so it was pretty easy. But alas...on a night when I should be absolutely worn out, I find myself (yet again) horribly awake and alert.

I tried to read my new Esquire magazine. I tried to lay on the couch and watch TV, through about five different positions and 20 channels. I tried working on the six-string lanyard I want to make for my vape pouch. I tried just writing an entry in my personal journal, playing Chuzzle on my phone (OMG. So addicted.), and surfing facebook.

It was this last one that delivered me into temptation. In case there are more of you out there trying to avoid getting lost in online story/search tangents, do not open your facebook. It's the gateway drug of the interwebz, I tell you. The ganja of Google. A bong full of Bing. 

Just close down your laptop and move away, because you will be sucked into the vortex of endless, time-devouring cyber-digging. Don't say I didn't warn you.

As I should have guessed would happen, all it took was one story to get my activist juices flowing, and I was ready to open five hundred windows and start diving in.

But then a strange thing happened...when I opened up a new window in Safari, I actually stopped for a minute and looked at my default homepage. Now I don't know about you, but since I open new windows so much and am usually focused on a certain topic I need to research or look for, I rarely even glance at the default page that pops up. 

And that's kind of sad, because that page for me is LGBTQ Nation, one of the leading collective sources of nationwide LGBT news and other goings-on. But the sight of it had become so commonplace, I was just blowing right past it. 

Tonight, I didn't. 

I watched as the top stories scrolled by with their lead-ins and colorful photos. I read the teasers listed down the right side of the page, offering up the "Views & Voices" of our community regarding current events. I skimmed over the attention-grabbing titles of the stories filling up the rest of the page. Then I started clicking. 

Part of me wishes desperately I hadn't, because until then I really thought I'd been digging deep into the latest happenings - visiting all my regular pages to debunk and educate the ignorant and/or ill-informed. But I realized that by doing that, I was actually avoiding all the special-interest stories (man, I'm using a lot of hyphen-related words today!); personal, anecdotal accounts of what's going down on the front lines; and most of all - the pain, confusion, shame, and fear that is still plaguing our community every day.

See...I got caught up like everyone else in the joy and celebration of the Supreme Court decisions, and momentarily forgot that it made absolutely no difference at all to many people in our country. Certainly it didn't mean much for those in other countries, either. And for some law-abiding citizens, it only made things worse, calling attention to their orientation or gender-identity, and making them a scapegoat for all the different forms of hatred dreamed up by our detractors. 

All those feelings I thought I had put safely away began to bubble to the top. Those poison arrows were flying fast and fierce, and all I could do was sit and take it. Then I realized that there are most likely people out there that don't ever even come across these types of stories or read these kinds of articles.                   

I want you guys to kind of see what I see on a daily basis - both to help you understand why I do what I do, and maybe even fire up a little activist juice in you, too!

And yes, I realize I'm now playing the part of the gateway...the one leading you down the rabbit hole of cyberspace, chasing tangents exactly like I cautioned you against. But let's face it - between you and me, you weren't going to listen anyway, were you? 

Didn't think so.

*****

(The top link in the first five categories below is the LGBTQ Nation story; and the second, an outside article regarding the same information.)

Louisiana:
LA GOP councilman proposes flag law after veteran complains of pride flag

Louisiana Republican to introduce bill to ban LGBT rainbow flag from public buildings


Chita, Zabaykalsky Krai, Russia:
Lawmaker who wants gays flogged says Russian public needs protection

Putin: Law restricting gay rights in Russia is about "protecting children"


Durham, North Carolina:
Prosecuters: cult leader killed 4-year-old-stepson because he thought he was gay

Cult leader Peter Moses jailed for killing wife and 4 yr-old he accused of 'being gay'


Penalolen, Chile:
Chilean teen loses foot, faces leg amputation following anti-gay attack

Esteban Navarro, Gay Chilean Teen, Will Have Leg Amputated After Alleged Hate Crime


Indianapolis, Indiana:
Gay couples: Applying for a marriage license in Ind. could land you in jail

Prison Awaits Same-Sex Couples Who Try to Get Married in Indiana


Harare, Zimbabwe:
Zimbabwe president says gays, lesbians who do not conceive should be jailed

Conceive or face jail, Mugabe tells gays


Sarver, Pennsylvania:
Police, FBI investigate swastika burned in yard of PA family with lesbian daughter





USA, Nationwide:
American Decency Association: Gays are 'disgusting, unnatural'

American Decency Association: DOMA Decision Just Like Pearl Harbor

'Ex-gay' activist: President Obama, Justices Kennedy, Kagan are secretly gay

Barton: Gays will 'enlist in the military just so they can have gay marriages'

Barton: DOMA Ruling Will Force Chaplains to Perform Gay Weddings...

Gallagher: Supreme Court DOMA Decision a 'Declaration of War'...

Keyes: Case for Gay Marriage Same as the Case for Slavery
     (original article by Keyes here)

Pulled Back From Suicide, a Gay Grandmother Asks How to Treat Those Who Shun Her

Catholic Cardinal calls gay US ambassador nominee a "faggot"

Middle school student branded with 'fag' slur on back of his neck by bullies


Pat Robertson (yes, he deserves his own category):
Pat Robertson says he vomits at the sight of gay couples

Gays will 'destroy' Boy Scouts to 'accommodate kids who want sex with each other'

Gays can change just like murderers and rapists

Cites Levitical Death Penalty for Gays, Warns the Land Will 'Vomit You Out'

*****

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

These articles are the type of thing I read daily, following the links to another page...and another...and another, leaving trails of comments and encouragement and education in my wake as often as possible.

Each of these pieces somehow sprung from the LGBTQ Nation website, and it's honestly a little disturbing how quickly I could find and link all these stories for you to see. I want you all to get a taste of why I get so frustrated and downright angry at times - it's hard to face this much hate and misinformation every single day.

Like I said in yesterday's post, I have no intention of giving up, now or in the future. 

And I am feeling better, thank you for asking.

But this isn't the way I want to leave the world for my children. I cannot settle for 'good enough' on this issue. I will not. All this hate and second-class citizenry...all these horrible people with their small minds and their steadfast refusal to believe anything that didn't come out of the mouth of God, himself... It's almost too much. 

Enough is enough.

And I say - it's more than enough.

On my off days...

I spend an inordinate amount of time studying and researching both the history of and current events related to the LGBT movement (in case you hadn't noticed). I pour over documents and articles. I visit websites that spew new and improved ridiculous justifications for their own internalized fears. I read about all the people out there in the world who know nothing about me, but still feel they are qualified to sit in judgment of my life - not to mention my afterlife.

As a side effect, I spend more time than I probably should arguing on these websites and in these forums against those who delight in their hatred of me...so certain are they in their self-righteous anger, that they're simply positive somewhere in heaven God is pulling out His sheet of metallic star stickers and headed their way. 

And most of the time it just rolls right off me, drowned out by the hope I cling to that maybe - just maybe - what I write to these ignorant, repugnant masses in rebuttal will actually be found and read by that one person to whom I'm really writing...that questioning, confused, scared individual who needs to see and hear my words of love and affirmation among all the ugly more than anything at that moment. 

So like I said, most of the time, it just rolls right off me...

Most of the time...it just...

But today is not one of those days. 

Today I am not reveling in my thick skin and acerbic wit as I traverse the pages of those who would wish me ill. Today I am not able to simply smirk my way through another news story connected to Focus on the Family, Fox News, Family Research Council, elected officials pandering to their 'sponsors' - or even uninformed, presumptively concerned parents. 

Because today is one of those rare times for me when it all becomes too much...

...the articles and anecdotes flying at me like poison tipped arrows; the fraudulent and outdated studies lauded and cited by the conservative masses, choking out the truth with their smoke screens; the unnecessary and undeserved hatred poured out the world over...

All this, coalescing into one thick, acrid cloud above my head...its oily black billows threatening to let loose the torrential twins of shame and doubt - the very mixture that nearly claimed my life once before. 

And I am appalled to find myself frightened. Not by these ignorant people themselves, nor the organizations they form, but of their relentlessness in this war (and make no mistake, that's what we are fighting here). Their tenacity and complete disregard for the truth or anything approaching it is astonishing, and it tells me that they will stop at nothing to get what they want. Nothing. 

Right or wrong, this kind of approach inspires fear, especially when their opposition (us) is a movement based entirely on respect, love, and tolerance. We will not sacrifice the lives or reputations of those we hold dear. We will not sell out to the highest bidder. We will not deliberately falsify information or use studies, statistics, or witnesses that are less than credible. 

How, then, are we to stand in the face of their foul winds? Face their arrows and choking clouds of bullshit? How can we successfully defend ourselves when we are unwilling to sink to their level? Can we seriously just sit back and cross our fingers, hoping that this will all end like some Lifetime movie, with all the ends neatly tied up and the bad guys vanquished?

These are the things that are circling in my head. These are the questions that bounce off my brain and monopolize my attention and my energy on days like this, taking my thoughts hostage and leading me down the darkest of dangerous alleys.

For those of us who fight this fight in some capacity on a regular basis, the unrelenting attacks and constant resurfacing of false, disproved, and outdated information can be a real beat-down. We get despondent, and burned out. Everywhere we turn, it seems like there's another person or group fighting against us, lying about who we are and what we're about. 

And often (at least in my case) this feeling of overwhelming persecution just serves to highlight those discordant situations of a more personal nature, with family, religious institutions, friends, and other loved ones. I mean, it's bad enough to have a significant portion of the world against a very integral part of what makes us who we are, but it's even worse to have that kind of judgment and persecution come from those we love and respect. This very personal kind of pain, added to the despondency I'm already trying to fight my way out of, is what truly pushes me over the edge. 

Every. Single. Time.

So what to do about the whole mess? 
First and foremost, we must never give up. We are not beaten until we forswear our cause, lay down our arguments, and surrender to the enemy. I don't know about you, but even on my worst days (like today), that is never an option. I will go to my grave fighting this fight, and I'll be damned if they win just by default.

Secondly, we have to learn to love ourselves. I know that sounds corny, but stay with me here - those situations with our loved ones or close co-workers or anyone else who matters to you may not ever get resolved. Yep - you read that right - the issues may never be resolved. So somehow, by whatever means we must, we have to let go of our attachment to the dream that everything is going to be all flowers and meadows and little rainbow bunnies all the time...that's just not real life. 

These anti-gay groups may never see the light, no matter how many times we shine it on them. My parents may never clear the hurdle of my sexuality, and learn to love me and my partner as unconditionally as they do their grandchildren and each other. Your sister or brother or cousin or uncle may never speak to you again, instead only sending those periodic emails reminding you that they and their Sunday School class are praying for your repentance and salvation.

I must remember I do not fight for them. I do not even really fight for me as an individual. 

I fight for those too scared or too beat-down to speak up for themselves. I fight for every child and teenager out there who knows there's something 'different' about them, and is just starting to realize what that is. I fight for the future world that my children will have to inhabit as adults. And I fight for my own little nuclear family - my partner, my children, and myself - that we be treated as equal citizens under the law, and given all the rights and privileges deserved as such.

So on these bad days, when I feel like I'm circling the drain and ready to throw in the towel, I have to remember what this fight is all about - not my own personal gratification or recognition, but for those who will come after, and those trying to get the guts to live as their authentic selves right now.

We cannot live our lives - I cannot live my life - attached to gaining everyone's acceptance and love. What matters most is that my children love me, my partner loves me, and I have an amazing little circle of friends that adore all of us. And if I can just remember to remind myself of this on a daily basis, these 'off days' are sure to get fewer and further between. 

I'm feeling better already.