Tuesday, July 9, 2013

On my off days...




I spend an inordinate amount of time studying and researching both the history of and current events related to the LGBT movement (in case you hadn't noticed). I pour over documents and articles. I visit websites that spew new and improved ridiculous justifications for their own internalized fears. I read about all the people out there in the world who know nothing about me, but still feel they are qualified to sit in judgment of my life - not to mention my afterlife.

As a side effect, I spend more time than I probably should arguing on these websites and in these forums against those who delight in their hatred of me...so certain are they in their self-righteous anger, that they're simply positive somewhere in heaven God is pulling out His sheet of metallic star stickers and headed their way. 

And most of the time it just rolls right off me, drowned out by the hope I cling to that maybe - just maybe - what I write to these ignorant, repugnant masses in rebuttal will actually be found and read by that one person to whom I'm really writing...that questioning, confused, scared individual who needs to see and hear my words of love and affirmation among all the ugly more than anything at that moment. 

So like I said, most of the time, it just rolls right off me...

Most of the time...it just...

But today is not one of those days. 

Today I am not reveling in my thick skin and acerbic wit as I traverse the pages of those who would wish me ill. Today I am not able to simply smirk my way through another news story connected to Focus on the Family, Fox News, Family Research Council, elected officials pandering to their 'sponsors' - or even uninformed, presumptively concerned parents. 

Because today is one of those rare times for me when it all becomes too much...

...the articles and anecdotes flying at me like poison tipped arrows; the fraudulent and outdated studies lauded and cited by the conservative masses, choking out the truth with their smoke screens; the unnecessary and undeserved hatred poured out the world over...

All this, coalescing into one thick, acrid cloud above my head...its oily black billows threatening to let loose the torrential twins of shame and doubt - the very mixture that nearly claimed my life once before. 

And I am appalled to find myself frightened. Not by these ignorant people themselves, nor the organizations they form, but of their relentlessness in this war (and make no mistake, that's what we are fighting here). Their tenacity and complete disregard for the truth or anything approaching it is astonishing, and it tells me that they will stop at nothing to get what they want. Nothing. 

Right or wrong, this kind of approach inspires fear, especially when their opposition (us) is a movement based entirely on respect, love, and tolerance. We will not sacrifice the lives or reputations of those we hold dear. We will not sell out to the highest bidder. We will not deliberately falsify information or use studies, statistics, or witnesses that are less than credible. 

How, then, are we to stand in the face of their foul winds? Face their arrows and choking clouds of bullshit? How can we successfully defend ourselves when we are unwilling to sink to their level? Can we seriously just sit back and cross our fingers, hoping that this will all end like some Lifetime movie, with all the ends neatly tied up and the bad guys vanquished?

These are the things that are circling in my head. These are the questions that bounce off my brain and monopolize my attention and my energy on days like this, taking my thoughts hostage and leading me down the darkest of dangerous alleys.

For those of us who fight this fight in some capacity on a regular basis, the unrelenting attacks and constant resurfacing of false, disproved, and outdated information can be a real beat-down. We get despondent, and burned out. Everywhere we turn, it seems like there's another person or group fighting against us, lying about who we are and what we're about. 

And often (at least in my case) this feeling of overwhelming persecution just serves to highlight those discordant situations of a more personal nature, with family, religious institutions, friends, and other loved ones. I mean, it's bad enough to have a significant portion of the world against a very integral part of what makes us who we are, but it's even worse to have that kind of judgment and persecution come from those we love and respect. This very personal kind of pain, added to the despondency I'm already trying to fight my way out of, is what truly pushes me over the edge. 

Every. Single. Time.

So what to do about the whole mess? 
First and foremost, we must never give up. We are not beaten until we forswear our cause, lay down our arguments, and surrender to the enemy. I don't know about you, but even on my worst days (like today), that is never an option. I will go to my grave fighting this fight, and I'll be damned if they win just by default.

Secondly, we have to learn to love ourselves. I know that sounds corny, but stay with me here - those situations with our loved ones or close co-workers or anyone else who matters to you may not ever get resolved. Yep - you read that right - the issues may never be resolved. So somehow, by whatever means we must, we have to let go of our attachment to the dream that everything is going to be all flowers and meadows and little rainbow bunnies all the time...that's just not real life. 

These anti-gay groups may never see the light, no matter how many times we shine it on them. My parents may never clear the hurdle of my sexuality, and learn to love me and my partner as unconditionally as they do their grandchildren and each other. Your sister or brother or cousin or uncle may never speak to you again, instead only sending those periodic emails reminding you that they and their Sunday School class are praying for your repentance and salvation.

I must remember I do not fight for them. I do not even really fight for me as an individual. 

I fight for those too scared or too beat-down to speak up for themselves. I fight for every child and teenager out there who knows there's something 'different' about them, and is just starting to realize what that is. I fight for the future world that my children will have to inhabit as adults. And I fight for my own little nuclear family - my partner, my children, and myself - that we be treated as equal citizens under the law, and given all the rights and privileges deserved as such.

So on these bad days, when I feel like I'm circling the drain and ready to throw in the towel, I have to remember what this fight is all about - not my own personal gratification or recognition, but for those who will come after, and those trying to get the guts to live as their authentic selves right now.

We cannot live our lives - I cannot live my life - attached to gaining everyone's acceptance and love. What matters most is that my children love me, my partner loves me, and I have an amazing little circle of friends that adore all of us. And if I can just remember to remind myself of this on a daily basis, these 'off days' are sure to get fewer and further between. 

I'm feeling better already.






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