I'm back! Aren't you glad? I know I am. I let this little pet project of mine slide for a very long time, but I feel that now is the right moment to resurrect my passionate documentation (read: ranting).
Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...because I got hitched! That's right, boys and girls - marriage equality came to a neighboring state, and my partner of more than 5 years and I drove up to tie the knot. Legally. You have no idea how good it feels to say that. Or how awesome it is to look at our real, live wedding license (which I totally don't do, like, every other day). We'd been planning a big to-do sometime next year, but when legal marriage was a mere hour and a half drive from our home, we couldn't pass it up. So we gathered up more friends and family than we ever thought would make the drive, headed up to Oklahoma, and did the deed!
But as wonderful and amazing as it was (and it was), there were two things that made it not quite perfect.
1) A large number of my wife's family turned out, which was wonderful. A large number of our friends did, too, which was awesome. But my family? It was just my brother and his wife and their two monkeys (their children, relax). To be fair, I didn't invite anyone else in the family other than my parents, because I knew they wouldn't come. I know some of you out there are shouting - "How can you know if you don't give them a chance?!" Trust me. I know. But the thing that hurt the very most was the absence of my folks. I didn't expect them to come, honestly. The wife and I had had a frank discussion only a few days before with them wherein they expressly stated they would not be in attendance. But I'd be lying if I didn't say a small piece of me still hoped they might change their mind.
Not for the reason you're probably thinking, though. It wasn't that I wanted them there for me - quite the contrary, I was much more comfortable just being able to be myself and enjoy my day. I wanted them there for them - so they could bear witness to not only the incredible love and support that surrounded us, but to the uninhibited, unadulterated joy that permeated that entire day. To see me openly, vulnerably happy in a way that I don't think they've ever witnessed. When you know someone disapproves of who you are from a fundamental viewpoint, it becomes almost impossible to be genuine around that person. The weird side-stepping that so many in the LGBT community are used to doing with their families of origin, the consciousness of whether you're holding your partner's hand or forgot where you were and kissed them as you headed to another room. That kind of thing.
And I realized looking back on our wedding day and viewing the pictures taken afterward, that perhaps they will always have a skewed view of who I am and what my relationship is like, because their very nature prevents them from seeing the truth of it. I really think their attendance would have opened up something in them they didn't realize they had for me - acceptance. But I cannot change them any more than they can change me...I can only offer them that which they cannot. Acceptance.
2) Driving back over the state line into our home state of Texas was a surreal and deflating experience. Knowing that somehow this imaginary boundary that we crossed invalidated all we had just done in the eyes of the law was beyond the pale, to me. That we could literally stand in one place and be recognized as a legally married couple, entitled to all that entails; and then take two steps to the left and be stripped of all those rights... Surreal is the only word to explain it. Our names were changed on the marriage license. And if we lived in Oklahoma, they would be our legal names. But as of right now, our 'federally recognized' names are different from our 'state recognized' names. Do you have any idea how weird and disconcerting that is? We cannot change our driver's licenses, or apply for a SSN name change, because the state of Texas does not recognize our marriage. Well, unless we fork out around $300 each to do so with a court order. Ridiculousness in the extreme.
Some have been angered by the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals upholding the marriage ban. But I see it as a good thing, and a smart political move for our community. As things were, SCOTUS saw no reason to intervene - all the circuit courts were falling in line, striking down bans and opening the gates for LGBT couples to be fully recognized under the law as equal citizens. But with this advent of this latest ruling, it provides the necessary impetus for SCOTUS to act, and act quickly. Two states have filed separate appeals directly to the Supreme Court, and a nationwide decision could be handed down as soon as next summer. I realize that sounds like a long time - and from here, it does as well, I assure you. But in the grand scheme of things, it's less than a year, and it will be a groundbreaking, paradigm-shifting, party-planning celebration.
Complete with free name change. I cannot wait.
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