Are we our own greatest enemy...?

(For those of you who read my comment on facebook in reference to the article that is tagged in this blog, I apologize because some of this is going to be repetitive. But it needs to be said in as many forums as possible.)


Obviously, I follow the goings-on regarding LGBT rights with passion. Normally, I am firmly in the camp of whatever LGBT emissary goes before us to fight. But today, I find myself disturbed and disappointed in one of these representatives, and torn because he has done so very much good for the LGBT community - youth specifically (which is my main passion). 


Dan Savage, if you do not know him, is the creator of the viral video campaign "It Gets Better". Thousands of people, from the president to celebrities to corporations to everyday joes have made short, concise videos that seek to reach out to LGBT youth and let them know to hang on - that life does get better and so much joy awaits them on the other side of their current miseries. Given the enormous and horrific spike in LGBT youth suicides lately, Mr. Savage's campaign could not be more well-timed. 


And one of the things about Dan that appeals the most to the teenage 'market', if you will, is the fact that he pulls no punches, speaks without censorship, and talks to the youth as if he were one of them. To be able to do that - to actually reach and change a teenager's mind and heart - is an incredible feat and should be lauded as such. I hold Mr. Savage in the highest regard, for there is no telling how many precious lives he has saved with his activism.


But his usual method of delivering a message does not translate well to the public at large, nor to his adult adversaries, and that is what has me so disturbed. 


Recently Dan was asked to speak at a high school journalism assembly on the topic of bullying (click here if you want to see the video). 


His message is good. His message is something that needs to be heard. Unfortunately, the way he presented it resulted in the very teenagers who needed to hear this walking out. Calling the bible "bullshit" is not going to get you an attentive audience in a primarily Christian country, and it alienates the very people you are trying to reach. The nail in the coffin was him commenting to the audience that the teens who walked out were "pansy-assed". 


Really, Dan? You're going to turn around and name-call - especially with an insult that is usually aimed at gay boys and men - while speaking out against bullying??? 


And now Brian Brown, the head of the rabidly anti-gay group the National Organization for Marriage (NOM's website), has publicly challenged Mr. Savage to a debate. As would be expected, Dan jumped all over the invitation, which I think is great - show them we're not afraid. Show them we have information and intelligence in our corner, and will stand up against prejudice. But his delivery? His very public message back to Mr. Brown?

"You're on, Motherfucker. I will name the time and place, per your offer, as soon as possible. Looking forward to it, NOMnuts." (you can read more about it here)

This is not constructive activism. This is not something that can be looked at in the future as taking a dignified stance for civil rights and liberties. This is something you say to the high school jock you just agreed to fight after school when you're 16. 


Responses like this, presentations like this...they hurt us more than help us. I understand the anger and frustration behind his response. I do. It gets so tiresome and tedious trying to fight, plead, argue, and convince people that you are no different from them save who you love. And it's even more annoying and exasperating that the information they are basing their prejudice on is all kinds of wrong. But he has to rein that in. Dan absolutely has to set that aside and go into this with a cool head and a calm spirit. 


His previous actions make me afraid - of what will happen when he and Mr. Brown actually do debate, and of what the consequences might be if he does not go about it in a different manner. 


Because this is not what we need. This is not the kind of voice we need our mouthpiece and our champion to have in the public eye. Yes, Dan has done an almost unimaginable amount of good for the LGBT community. And yes, Brian needs to be knocked off his lame high horse. But this was (and is) not the way to go about it. We need a little more Rosa Parks and a little less cursing and name-calling.


NOM is a formidable adversary, and should not be underestimated. They spew hatred and lies about us with wild abandon. They rally people with the cries of "They're going to take our children!" and "They're destroying the institution of marriage that God created!". They're even officially classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) - which is a distinction that is surprisingly hard to obtain. They fight dirty, and use outdated and incorrect information to piece together an argument about us, then feed that into the waiting, open mouths of the little baby birds that are their supporters. They embarrass themselves with their ignorance and their violently heated rhetoric, which makes them almost cartoonishly ridiculous. And that is easy to fight against, especially if you are calm, cool, collected, and unaffected by their loud attempt at distraction from the truth.


And there's the rub - Dan Savage has not been any of those things. 


Two lessons I have learned throughout my life are applicable to this situation:
1) You have a vocabulary, so use it. Use your words. They are powerful. Cursing when arguing only makes you look ignorant, and gives the impression that you have no intelligent way of expressing yourself.
2) Once voices get raised and swear words emerge, the person to whom you are speaking is no longer listening to your message, because they cannot hear past the noise of your delivery. 


And we have a message that desperately needs to be heard. 


Dan Savage has the ear of a nation right now, and he needs to understand he is not sitting down and talking one-on-one with a teenager in crisis, nor is he speaking to a group of teenagers who need to know the truth. He is now engaging with grown adults who have incorrect information - but a whole lot of support based on that incorrect information. And we need to be the voice of reason in a controversy gone mad.


That means Mr. Savage has got to tone down the abrasiveness of his presentation style, and remember that we are all counting on him and are behind him in his mission. He does not need to treat this like some back-alley rumble, because it has become a critical cause that has to be addressed effectively or more loving souls will be lost to the fight. 


I engage people every day in debates over equal rights. I purposely look for blogs and articles where individuals state their opinions, and I jump in to try and educate. I stay calm, I stay focused. I do not let their hateful rhetoric incite me to respond in kind. I am always respectful and always thorough, so that they understand I am not some foaming-at-the-mouth liberal trying to force my 'lifestyle' down their throat. I am simply a partner, mother, daughter, and friend like so many others. I just happen to be gay. 


And I am proud to say I have 'converted' (for lack of a better term) more anti-gay people into allies than I ever thought I would. Many of those people actually came to respect me during our arguments, and have told me the reason they did research and actually paused to give my comments some thought is because I presented my position in such a civil manner. They also said they never thought a gay person could be so calm and patient when someone is directly attacking her rights, as all they have seen of us is through the media (which is a horrible portrayal). Unfortunately, it is the wacky and over-the-top stuff that makes it to print or on air, and so many many people have the wrong idea about the gay community at large because of this.


And now Dan Savage is actually advancing that front of misrepresentation with his lack of civility. If that does not change he could actually end up doing much more harm than good to the cause that has become his life's work. I truly hope enough people in his entourage encourage him to spread his message in a more easily received manner before he engages in this debate with Brian Brown, or our movement could take a big hit. 


We need Dan in our corner. We need this message to reach the ears and hearts of people throughout the country - young or old, gay or straight, Christian, pagan, Republican, Democrat. Our nation needs to know that there is nothing broken in us. There is nothing evil about us. And there is no reason to be afraid of what you don't know, because we've been around since the beginning of time - we're now just starting to find our way out of the darkness of that giant closet, and dare to believe we deserve the same happiness as anyone else. 


That is the message that is going to save lives - if it can be heard.


So for all of you out there who have to deal with prejudice or malicious slurs or discrimination due to what orientation or gender you were born with, I encourage you - no I implore you - to research, learn your facts, and go into battle fully armed. But deliver your message with calm, with kindness, with accuracy, with knowledge, and with compassion for those who have none for us. Remember what is at stake as you debate and argue, and that changing even one heart can change the world. Now get out there and engage.


The lives of millions depend on it.