FRC Series 3: The Ex-Gay Ex-cuse (Part 1)

One of the major talking points of the conservative movement is that homosexuality is a chosen behavior, and that it can be 'fixed' or 'overcome' with reparative therapy. This, of course, is complete crap and every gay person knows it. But therein lies the rub - every gay person knows it. But many straight people think that just maybe it could be fixable, reversible. After all, with organizations such as Exodus and programs such as the Love Won Out symposiums, I think the general public might be getting the wrong message. And I think it's a big problem that is directly affecting our progress toward equality.


The Family Research Council's documentary on "The Problem With Same-Sex Marriage" has taken advantage of the miniscule 'ex-gay' population with a vengeance. They feature several individuals who have supposedly 'overcome their same-sex attraction' and gone on to lead normal (read: straight) lives. I find these people alternately fascinating and worthy of my pity, but there's one common thread that runs through all their stories - God helped them go straight. 


Now, I'm not negating the power of God, by whatever name you call Him/Her. Not at all. In fact, I have seen many miracles wrought by the 'powers that be', and I have witnessed too much of the spiritual to even try and make a case for us all coming from the nothingness. But I have so many issues with the 'ex-gay' movement, and the idea that God will 'save' you from your gayness is at the top of the list. Bear with me, and I'll tell you why...


From the time our children are little, we teach them they are beautiful, incredible beings that were wonderfully and perfectly crafted by the Creator. We nurture that in them, help them understand their place in the universe, and foster their connection to every living thing through God. And then one day they discover that something is different about them...and its scary. It's embarrassing and frightening because despite what they've been taught, despite what we have worked all our lives to get them to internalize and believe, society and religion have frowned upon these feelings that are blossoming inside our sweet children against their will. 


At that point do we pull this child close and tell them again how they are wonderfully and perfectly made, and that everything will be okay? 


No. No, we do not. We point our fingers and gnash our teeth. Rip our garments and put ashes on our heads, praying first that the neighbors never find out and then maybe that our child will overcome this as a side note. We become embarrassed of our own child, begging him or her to please just not say anything to anyone, and let's get you to a pastor, and we're going to find a way to fix this even if it means emptying out our retirement fund.

And then we wonder why we have children eating their father's gun or stringing 

themselves up by their belts from a closet rail.

Then suddenly we find hope in a group like Exodus, or even at our local church. Someone, somewhere says they can 'fix' our child, and we willingly give our offspring - our very flesh and blood - over to a group of people that convince them they are sinners and perverts and that they have to renounce their feelings (that they never asked for) and change their ways (which they've tried for years to do already), and learn to live as God intended (read: as THEY intended) as a straight person in a heterosexual marriage that produces children as the Bible says it should be.


Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, the person is so shamed and scared by the talk of hellfire that they do enter into a heterosexual marriage and produce children. But it is not as the Bible says it should be. It is not as anyone or any text says it should be. Because it is a lie.


Let me repeat that in case you just skimmed over it. It. Is. A. Lie. How can I be so sure? 


Because for nine years, I lived it. 


Indulge me a little and allow me to give you the highlights of my experience attempting to be an 'ex-gay' before I return to the ridiculousness of the claims on the FRC documentary. It all ties in, I promise. 
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Like many other gay people I have met, I knew something was different by third grade - I just didn't understand what it was, and I didn't have a word for it. Everything became terribly clear at the age of 16 when I kissed a girl for the first time...the world stopped, and suddenly I understood everything my friends had been talking about. The tingles all through my body...the way my stomach did a flip-flop every time I saw her in the hall. I had never had that with a boy, and had thought I must have been doing something wrong. But that day - that first kiss - brought everything into perfect focus, and I was terrified. 


Long story short, I didn't come out to my parents personally - I was outed by my girlfriend's mom who caught us in bed together. You can imagine how that went down. Let's just say that the reaction was enough to send me running back into that closet, where I would stay until the age of 29. I dated men, I slept with men, because that was what I was supposed to do. I thought maybe if I just did it enough it would stick. 


No dice. 


I wanted children desperately, so I locked my sights onto my best guy friend at the time, landed him, and was married by 21. We had some pretty major fertility problems, which I secretly believed was my fault because I was such a horrible person for still having these 'gay' issues and feelings. I was struggling every day to be the wife and potential mother I thought I should be. Eventually we did have two children (four, if you count souls, (which I do) because I lost two babies in between my live births), and all was well.


Except it wasn't. I still wasn't straight. No matter what I did - keep the perfect house, be the perfect stay-at-home-mom, support my husband - nothing took away my feelings about women. And the kicker was, I didn't want to sleep with my husband. At all. Ever. I was done having my children, so in my mind there was no good reason to go through the torture of sex, and it had nothing at all to do with him. He was a good man, and had been my best friend until the sham of a marriage tore us both apart.


When I was 29 I did a horrible thing and had an affair with a woman. I remember bawling like a baby because I finally felt that connection again...that rightness of what I was doing. But I was married, and I had two children to think of. I fought with myself constantly. I prayed. I begged God to stop it - to take it away. I had been doing this most of my adult life with no results, but it didn't stop me from trying. I talked to priests and pastors and studied my Bible, all the while beating myself up for the disgusting monster I was. 


Finally one of my friends told me what her priest (and my former priest) had told her, which was that the Church hadn't quite caught up to science yet, and we just have to be patient. That there is no reason to be ashamed of being a homosexual, because that's how God made you. To turn away from that was to turn away from the life God meant you to have.


Those words changed everything. 


They gave me courage, strength, and belief in myself for the first time in a long time. I had ruined years of two lives (mine and my husband's), but it didn't have to be that way. I split from my husband and filed for divorce. It was hard for him, and terrible for me, but I knew I was doing the right thing.


That has only been proven out to be the case, as I have been happily partnered for years with a wonderful woman who loves my children like her own, my ex-husband has found the love of his life and married her just a few weeks ago; and my children are happy, loving, well-adjusted little beings.
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The point of this long, drawn-out insight into my past is to show you that being an 'ex-gay' is not that great of an option. Yes, you can do it...but you ruin so many lives in the process. It's not fair to the individual, and it's not fair to the person they marry. 


But according to the FRC, it's the only way to go, and God can help you get there.


And that's my biggest issue. Here are these people, telling the world that God can save you from your gayness, when it just isn't true. So not only are you setting them up for failure at being straight, you are telling them essentially that when they fail it isn't God's fault but their own sinful nature taking over. That is so damaging and so deadly to so many LGBT individuals. Being gay is not a failure. Being gay is just another factor, like having blue eyes and brown hair. But if you listen to the 'ex-gays' on this video, you would think it is just like flipping a switch. Say these prayers, really believe, and BLAMO, you're straight! Congratulations!


Julie Hamilton, the president of the NARTH organization (National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuals) makes some downright outrageous claims in this documentary. 


She says "People believe they are born this way, but that has not been the conclusion of researchers. There are so many with unwanted same-sex attraction that want another option for their lives."


First of all, we are born this way. Take a moment and really think - who would choose this? Who would choose an orientation that guarantees your life is going to be harder than all of your straight peers? That will possibly and most likely alienate you from many of your friends, family, and business associates? That brings on slurs and violence and unwarranted hatred, to the point of being murdered? 


Think about it. WHY would anyone choose this life? 


Don't get me wrong - I love my life. I am happy, fulfilled, and completely content with who I am. I am proud of my relationship, my orientation, and my little lesbian-led family. But that doesn't mean it hasn't been hard, or that it isn't going to continue to be hard. And to declare that these kids - who have found no other way to deal with the pain of bullying and ignorant hatred than to kill themselves - consciously made the choice to be gay is just abominable.


We are born into who we are, and sexual orientation is only a small part of that. The fact that these people have "unwanted same-sex attraction" is because they have been taught or told all their lives by society, their family, and their religion that being homosexual is unnatural and disgusting, and that they are bound for hell if they do not change their ways. Who wouldn't want to change that? If they were given the opportunity to really be themselves, and lead an authentic, out life without danger of ridicule or exile, I guarantee you there would be no more "unwanted" gayness. 


Later in the documentary, she speaks again regarding reparative therapy specifically. 


To paraphrase, Ms. Hamilton states that while there are many who say that it is harmful to try and help people with homosexual tendencies change those tendencies through therapy, there have never been any research studies that have shown that is true. And she's right, about the studies at least. There have not been any specifically geared toward showing reparative therapy is harmful. 


There have, however, been these statements:

American Academy of Pediatrics

"Confusion about sexual orientation is not unusual during adolescence. Counseling may be helpful for young people who are uncertain about their sexual orientation or for those who are uncertain about how to express their sexuality and might profit from an attempt at clarification through a counseling or psychotherapeutic initiative. Therapy directed specifically at changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

Homosexuality and Adolescence: Pediatrics

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

"The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy takes the position that same sex orientation is not a mental disorder. Therefore, we do not believe that sexual orientation in and of itself requires treatment or intervention."

Statement on Nonpathologizing Sexual Orientation

American Counseling Association

"The American Counseling Association opposes portrayals of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and adults as mentally ill due to their sexual orientation; and supports the dissemination of accurate information about sexual orientation, mental health, and appropriate interventions in order to counteract bias that is based on ignorance or unfounded beliefs about same-gender sexual orientation."

Resolution, as reported in the American Psychological Association's publication, "Just the Facts about Sexual Orientation and Youth

American Medical Association

"Our AMA… opposes, the use of 'reparative' or 'conversion' therapy that is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a prior assumption that the patient should change his/her homosexual orientation."

H-160.991, Healthcare Needs of the Homosexual Population

American Psychiatric Association

"Psychotherapeutic modalities to convert or 'repair' homosexuality are based on developmental theories whose scientific validity is questionable. Furthermore, anecdotal reports of "cures" are counterbalanced by anecdotal claims of psychological harm. In the last four decades, "reparative" therapists have not produced any rigorous scientific research to substantiate their claims of cure. Until there is such research available, [the American Psychiatric Association] recommends that ethical practitioners refrain from attempts to change individuals' sexual orientation, keeping in mind the medical dictum to first, do no harm.

The potential risks of reparative therapy are great, including depression, anxiety and self-destructive behavior, since therapist alignment with societal prejudices against homosexuality may reinforce self-hatred already experienced by the patient. Many patients who have undergone reparative therapy relate that they were inaccurately told that homosexuals are lonely, unhappy individuals who never achieve acceptance or satisfaction. The possibility that the person might achieve happiness and satisfying interpersonal relationships as a gay man or lesbian is not presented, nor are alternative approaches to dealing with the effects of societal stigmatization discussed.

Therefore, the American Psychiatric Association opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as reparative or conversion therapy which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder or based upon the a prior assumption that the patient should change his/her sexual homosexual orientation."

Efforts to Change Sexual Orientation Through Therapy

American Psychoanalytic Association

"Same-gender sexual orientation cannot be assumed to represent a deficit in personality development or the expression of psychopathology. As with any societal prejudice, anti-homosexual bias negatively affects mental health, contributing to an enduring sense of stigma and pervasive self-criticism in people of same-gender sexual orientation through the internalization of such prejudice.

As in all psychoanalytic treatments, the goal of analysis with homosexual patients is understanding. Psychoanalytic technique does not encompass purposeful efforts to "convert" or "repair" an individual's sexual orientation. Such directed efforts are against fundamental principles of psychoanalytic treatment and often result in substantial psychological pain by reinforcing damaging internalized homophobic attitudes."

Position Statement on Reparative Therapy

American Psychological Association

"THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association affirms that same-sex sexual and romantic attractions, feelings, and behaviors are normal and positive variations of human sexuality regardless of sexual orientation identity;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association reaffirms its position that homosexuality per se is not a mental disorder and opposes portrayals of sexual minority youths and adults as mentally ill due to their sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association concludes that there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, That the American Psychological Association encourages mental health professionals to avoid misrepresenting the efficacy of sexual orientation change efforts by promoting or promising change in sexual orientation when providing assistance to individuals distressed by their own or others' sexual orientation…"

Resolution on Affirmative Appropriate Responses to Sexual Orientation Distress and Change Efforts

American School Counselor Association

"Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and questioning (LGBTQ) youth often begin to experience self-identification during their pre-adolescent or adolescent years, as do heterosexual youth. These developmental processes are essential cognitive, emotional and social activities, and although they may have an impact on student development and achievement, they are not a sign of illness, mental disorder or emotional problems nor do they necessarily signify sexual activity.

The professional school counselor works with all students through the stages of identity development and understands this development may be more difficult for LGBTQ youth. It is not the role of the professional school counselor to attempt to change a student's sexual orientation/gender identity but instead to provide support to LGBTQ students to promote student achievement and personal well-being."

The Professional School Counselor and LGBTQ Youth

National Association of Social Workers

"People seek mental health services for many reasons. Accordingly, it is fair to assert that lesbians and gay men seek therapy for the same reasons that heterosexual people do. However, the increase in media campaigns, often coupled with coercive messages from family and community members, has created an environment in which lesbians and gay men often are pressured to seek reparative or conversion therapies, which cannot and will not change sexual orientation. Aligned with the American Psychological Association's (1997) position, NCLGB [NASW's National Committee on Lesbian and Gay Issues] believes that such treatment potentially can lead to severe emotional damage. Specifically, transformational ministries are fueled by stigmatization of lesbians and gay men, which in turn produces the social climate that pressures some people to seek change in sexual orientation. No data demonstrate that reparative or conversion therapies are effective, and in fact they may be harmful."

Position Statement: Reparative and Conversion Therapies

Pan American Health Organization (PAHO): Regional Office of the World Health Organization

Services that purport to "cure" people with non-heterosexual sexual orientation lack medical justification and represent a serious threat to the health and well-being of affected people, the Pan American Health Organization (PAHO) said in a position statement launched on 17 May, 2012, the International Day against Homophobia. The statement calls on governments, academic institutions, professional associations and the media to expose these practices and to promote respect for diversity.

Statement - "Therapies" to change sexual orientation lack medical justification and threaten health.

***But she's totally right...there are no research studies to support it...

Stay tuned for Part 2 of "The Ex-gay Ex-cuse"